Dad.

A name that has always been foreign to me.

Why? Because it was something that I never had.

A word that I avoided to speak because it just feels weird to say.

Sometimes I’d wonder what type of person I would be if he were still here today.

If he was actually there from the beginning.

I remember when I first met him, I believe I was eleven.

Although, according to a letter I wrote to him, I was seven.

I said my goodbyes when I was 20. That’s when he was called into heaven.

I had nine years to try and form a bond with a man I hardly knew.

What I remember most is all of the times we spent laughing.

But in the end, our relationship never really grew.

The distance played a part.

No serious conversations.

No lectures about life.

Or how to be a good wife.

No true examples to model after while growing up.

I learned as I went.

Spending most of my being not knowing what true love meant.

Dad.

Many tried to fill your role throughout the years.

I remember nights of shedding countless tears.

As I hung on to your words when you said, “I’ll be there.”

Only to find out that this wasn’t the case.

Through the heartbreak, I still chose to give you grace.

Today, I’m sure you’d be proud of me if you were here face to face.

-Rose

Dad. I wrote this poem on his birthday. He passed away on June 3, 2004. He was waiting for a lung transplant. Can’t believe it’s been 20 years. As I was thinking about him on his birthday, these words began to flow out. Reminiscing on the two times I traveled to see him. Those were the only moments we had in person. He lived in Philadelphia, my birthplace. A place I don’t necessarily call my hometown. That’s a topic that can be discussed at another time.

To me, not having a father in the home felt normal, honestly. Growing up in the projects, it was common. I only remember one of my friends having their dad in the home consistently and he would pretty much take us in as his own. I remember going on bike rides with my friend and her dad, along with other kids from the neighborhood. Those upstate NY bike trails are super long, but they were beautiful and so much fun. I remember my friend’s dad being super protective of his girls, but always involved. I didn’t understand it then, but as I got older, it was something I wish I had.

Over the years I would find myself saying, “I’m this way because I didn’t have a father figure.” I would blame my poor dating history on it and the lack of self-respect I had. Eventually once I got to know God as my Heavenly Father, it all began to make sense and felt comforting. Learning that I am created and loved by God changed my perspective on life. God knew when, where, how, and why I’d be born. I am a part of His great plan. He adopted me into His family once I placed my faith in Jesus. He knew who my earthly father and mother would be in order for me to be here today. I have a purpose. I’m not a mistake. He knew I would end up in a foster home in the early stages of my life to where I am at today. A homeowner, a mom to two amazing and beautiful girls, a caregiver to my mom, a great friend, a dedicated employee, a loving sister, a servant of Christ Jesus, and so much more.

It’s not how we start, but how we finish. I could have easily continued on with the “woe is me” mindset, but what good would that do? It would only allow the enemy to win because he doesn’t want to see God’s will prevail. Since I can remember, I have always had a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes on my back, a loving and supportive family. Whether it is by blood or not. God has placed people in my life who care and love me. I turned out just fine without a dad in my life, but honestly I had one the entire time. While I was being knitted together in my mother’s womb and even before that, God had prepared a story for me to live out, and He is still writing that story.

Each day that He allows me to see, He shows me His love through His Son Jesus. My dad protects and provides for me. My dad draws near, listens, and speaks to me. My dad holds my hand in times of trouble and fear. My dad guides me on the righteous paths to take in life. My dad never abandons me. My dad fights for me. My dad is always consistent and never changes. My dad loves me.

If you can relate to my story, I encourage you to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Our Heavenly Father is near and waiting with arms wide open to embrace you and welcome you into His loving family.

✝️“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139‬:‭13‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/116/psa.139.13.NLT