It was hard not to hold onto the frustration.

Giving birth to our little bundle of joy.

In and out of her life constantly since day one.

Not sure it would have made a difference if she were a boy.

Never made it to her first birthday.

Excuses filled the air.

I forgave you a long time ago.

But all she will know is that you weren’t there.

Over the years I’d be questioned, “Is he coming?” “Why doesn’t he love me?”

Left alone to try and console a broken heart.

Searching for words to make it a little easy.

This situation was so familiar because all I can see in her is me.

Dated different men to try and fill that void for her.

Made matters worse because it’s not the same.

Searching for the love from her father.

Unanswered calls and extended absences started to feel like a game.

Our baby is no longer a baby, at the age of 12.

By now I think she is over you.

Living in the same town, five minutes away.

But nothing with you is new.

Besides a marriage and more kids is all.

Wondering how you can sleep without a care.

While she no longer calls you dad.

Because all she knows is you were not there.

-Rose

He’s not there. Absent fathers seem to be the trend in my family’s life. I wrote this poem in regard to my Ray of Sunshine’s father. Early in the year, 2018, my daughter was battling mental illness. It was one of the many reasons that led me to Christ that year. As I was surfing through my Google photos one day, I found a screenshot of a text that I sent to her dad. I don’t even remember typing it. Not even sure why I took a screenshot of it at that time. Ray of Sunshine was struggling with depression and when her dad would reach out to her and say he would be coming to pick her up but didn’t show, it would impact her greatly. I would be left trying to console and comfort her.

Her dad and I were high school sweethearts. I became pregnant three years after high school, unmarried. It was a tough season in my life. Her dad and I already experienced ups and downs in our relationship and were on and off again here and there over the course of the seven years we were dating. This was my first actual relationship. My first everything. It wasn’t long after I told him I was pregnant that we broke up. I was a single mom before I officially became a mom. Navigating through life feeling alone was scary. I didn’t know Christ as my Lord and Savior at this point, but I was and am thankful for my mom. I remember being awaken out of my sleep and realizing my water broke. I immediately called her. I can’t remember if she drove me to the hospital or if I met her there. 18 years is a long time ago. 😂

As I raised up my Ray of Sunshine, I dated various men. This not only caused her confusion, but it also left me feeling some type of way. Her dad would pop up here and there to see her, so she knew who he was. There was just no consistency or real bond being formed between them. When she was six I got married. She began calling my husband at the time dad. He was the only real father figure she knew and I was grateful for that. Deep down I could see that she still held in the hurt and pain because her biological dad would reach out and tell me he is coming to pick her up to spend time with her and her other siblings, but when it didn’t happen she would ask me, “why doesn’t my dad love me?” This would completely shatter my heart because all I could see is little Rosie in her eyes asking the same questions. It hurt even more because I didn’t know how to respond to her and I continued to give him chances to spend time with her. As she became older, she no longer called him dad. She began calling him by his first name. Her last name is hyphenated. She has mentioned changing it to just my name. At one point she began ignoring his text messages also.

During her high school years, her dad has gotten better at keeping his word and showing up more than in the past. My Ray of Sunshine is still very reserved about it. There is still no connection there. He has picked her up from after school events a few times. I would ask her if they talked about anything on the ride home and she said there is just an awkward feeling. They are mainly silent. Currently, she has been more open to spending time with him when he reaches out to go skating or bowling. She mentions getting a chance to see her other siblings.

My prayer for my Ray of Sunshine is that if there is any unforgiveness or bitterness buried in her heart that she would allow God to heal her from it. I also pray that their bond would grow as we move forward and away from the past.

My encouragement to you today is to let God come into your life and allow Him to heal you from whatever has been keeping you in bondage. Whether it’s bitterness, jealousy, unforgiveness, hatred, etc. Whatever the case maybe, let it go and give it to Jesus. Life is too short to hold onto these things that only weigh us down and has the ability to debilitate us and affect our health negatively. God forgave us, even when we didn’t deserve it. We are called to do the same for others who have wronged us. Of course this doesn’t mean to be someone’s doormat and continue to allow them to hurt you, it just means to continue to forgive and love them at a distance so that you can continue to be free.

✝️“Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18‬:‭21‬-‭22‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/116/mat.18.21-22.NLT